Public Service Announcement for Parents of Teen Daughters

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Where the Boys Are

Dear Humans Who Keep the Food Bowl Full:
In case you're wondering why the TV is warm (but turned off) when you get home, I caught King James with the TV remote and a bottle of the foaming liquid you sometimes imbibe. This time, I had the presence of mind to use your camera that you left on the computer desk. (Thanks for leaving the computer on, by the way. The CPU makes a lovely warm spot on the desk top from the heat trapped in the cubby.)



If you really want to punish the bugger, might I suggest you banish him from your bedroom? Indefinitely?

Sincerely,
Your Beloved Fuzzy Slug

Vacation is What You Make of It

We “escaped” the first weekend in October to the Oregon Coast. It was grey and drizzly and required a sweatshirt to walk around outside. But it was heaven. JewelGeek, Critter and I hadn’t been away from the house on vacation since March. (And I think we went to the beach then, too, come to think of it…)

We shopped all the way down (gotta love outlet malls),

shopped at the beach (more outlet malls), and shopped coming home (Pirate Coffee, anyone? http://www.piratecoffeecompany.com/) Pirate Coffee in Depoe Bay, by the way, is a “must stop” on our beach trips. Not only do they have some of the most amazing coffee beans, the proprietors are a hilarious older couple, who know everyone and who share their love of life with everyone. They have a fabulous latte called the Spicy Wench – espresso, steamed milk, Oregon Chai, and buttered rum syrup (in the right proportions, of course).

Oh yeah, and we flew a pirate kite on Saturday evening, just after the sun went down. The wind picked up, but it was still warm, and we got the kite WAY up there. Critter actually let out the string all the way. We read the bag later, and discovered kite had at 50-foot string. Wow. It definitely looked spooky against the night sky. I can understand why the pirate flag on the horizon stuck fear into the hearts of sailors past. It is quite an ominous sight.

We also recommend Captain Dan’s Bakery in Taft (the southern tip of Lincoln City, http://www.newportnewstimes.com/articles/2008/05/28/business/business01.txt). This establishment is operated by another husband/wife duo who take their pirate theme with tongue firmly planted in cheek. The pastries are good, and they serve Pirate Coffee (of course!). But the BEST part is the talking parrot. It’s an animatronics’ bird, which they’ll tell you they purchased at Fred Meyer around Halloween a year or two ago. It looks pretty realistic with its plastic beak and talons and feathers made from a low-nap, synthetic cloth. It squawks, tilts its head, asks for crackers (a special plastic cracker it came with), and has a vocabulary of over 100 words. But you have to coax those words out. Over time. As it learns them.

While we were there, Critter got it to make a crunching sound (to simulate eating the cracker), and say “MMMMMMmmmmm.” Apparently, it had never done that before.

And it has a memory. When Captain Dan starts turning the lights out for the night, he turns each bank off in order. The bird starts going crazy, because it knows that it is the last thing to get turned off each night. He says it is very creepy.

To add to the animatronics creepiness, Captain Dan and First Mate Kathy told us a story of the Furby toy they bought one year after the Furby craze was over. They had an original Furby – and had kept it for two or three years. It knew all sorts of things, and could (mostly) hold its own in small talk. So they bought this new Furby and kept both toys in their office at the bakery. After a couple of days, the new toy could say everything the original toy could. They only thing they could figure out is that the old toy taught the new one everything it knew… (insert Twilight Zone music).

So for a few blissful days, we didn’t have the phone ring, or listen to anything remotely political, or do much of anything we didn’t want to. We ate great seafood (I personally think mussels in beer broth is pure genius), and picked up yummy salt water taffy to share with my coworkers. The only sad part was walking the bay front and discovering that the Cat House was closing its doors. Clearly cat toys are luxury this economy cannot support.

We had a marvelous time. I miss it already…

September Playmate

This frisky Capricorn enjoys long walks on the beach at sunset, cozy candle-lit dinners for two, and dancing until dawn at the local discotheque.

Meatball Madness

Growing up there were a few special dishes my mother would make only for parties or special holidays. Anytime we would have guests over, I'd hope that one of those dishes would magically appear: kringle, cinnamon rolls, or beer meatballs. Mom made the meatballs as an appetizer during the seventies--I don't think I'd eaten any since last November when I made them for our annual Craft Party.

They were as tasty and popular as I remember.

When CraftMaven announced her upcoming marriage, I offered to make her some for the wedding. CrafterKat and Critter came home Saturday and looked around the messy kitchen, spotting the tray of meatballs. "Is that it?" I nodded. "You better make another batch..."

Not only are these tasty, but they're fun to make. You even get to make meatball madness faces as you squish up the ingredients.

There's Beer In Here Meatballs

Meatballs:

1 to 1.5 lbs. of hamburger

1 to 1.5 lb.s of pork sausage

2 small eggs

1 to 2 cups of bread crumbs (depends on the amount of meat used)

1/2 c. milk

salt and pepper

garlic powder or mushroom powder

Mix up the meat and gradually add the eggs and milk. Once combined, add the seasonings and bread crumbs, a bit at a time so everything gets absorbed. Shape the mixture into 1 inch balls and place on a cookie sheet. Place them close together--the meatballs will shrink a bit as they cook. Should make enough meatballs to fill one standard cookie sheet.

Set the oven to 500 degrees and cook for ten minutes.

Sauce (mix up in a crockpot/slow cooker):

1 lb. brown sugar

1 bottle of chili sauce

1 bottle of beer

Stir until the sauce is combined. Add the meatballs to the crockpot and cook on low for about an hour.

And remember to make the meatball face:

Noble Software

Back in 2000 when I first began working for the Evil PXE, I was asked to buy some entertainment software for the people who live and work on campus. I purchased some Hoyle games, a family tree tracker, and software to produce flyers, greeting cards, etc. It's been eight years now, and the software just isn't keeping up. We asked our intern, BMW Aficionado, to look online for the latest version of Print Master.

"We've got Print Master 12," I told him. "I'm sure they're up to 20 or so, by now."

He checked online and found that Broderbund had indeed updated the title. "They've got Print Master Gold 18 and Print Master Platinum 18," he reported.

Evil PXE smirked. "What? Are they doing the Print Master Heavy Metals series? Can you get Print Master Tungsten?"

BMW Aficionado grinned. "The next version is Print Master Noble Gases."

Different Worlds

Part of my job entails going into teacher classrooms and prepping their computer for the new school year. It's entertaining to see how each classroom corresponds to the teacher's personality: one teacher has a couch from the Meszoic area, another has quotes from famous poets and authors in fancy calligraphy, and so on. Oftentimes, as I sit waiting for software to load, I'll glance around at the art their kids made, or wedding photos, or the stack of music CDs and think "they're not too different from me."

And then I find something that shows we are world's apart. How many of you have this on your To Do List?


Fix Fender Bass Amp
Tubas (check) Souzas

The End of an Era

Last month marked Princeton's final day working summers in our department. To celebrate his new job, we took him to lunch at McMennamins and listened to tales of his engineering adventures with a company in Newberg.

Princeton: So they've got this AutoCAD program that we used when I worked on the NASA stuff but it's all coded in French and so sometimes the translations aren't quite right... You'll make a modification on a design and then click to adjust it and the program will say, "Unable to render model because model is dirty."

JewelGeek: And after the error message does it surrender to the Germans?

Evil PXE, throwing hands high over his head: To close the error box, click the Capitulate button!

Just so you know, it IS genetic...

From my brother, Renaissance Man...
Just fixed one of the white drawers in the playroom with the new slider (from a year ago??).

Works great - especially when I don't:
1. put them on upside down
2. backwards
3. at different heights
4. missing all but one screw.

If you avoid these problems (or fix them) then everything works great.

CrafterKat's comment: Home improvement isn't for sissies.

The Sounds of Silence

Overheard at McMenamins

Critter, holding her drama monologue: How long is a Pause?

CrafterKat: What?

Critter: Well, it says in the monologue that I'm supposed to Pause right here. How long is a Pause?

CrafterKat, filtering through her drama knowledge: What sort of effect are you trying to achieve?

Critter, thinking: ...Quietness?

Just add water...

CrafterKat: So, um, when I turn the water on in our fancy, new bathroom (and to test the fancy new shower head we installed - You're welcome, Critter) - how 'come hot water comes out on the "cold" side and cold water comes out on the "hot" side?

Contractor: Well, (long pause, follwed by back-paddling...) Your water pipes must be all backwards, because we installed the cartridge correctly and...

CrafterKat: So, um, where's the little tool that came with the faucet kit, so I can remove the tub faucet and get the collar off to flip the collar around? I want people to know that hot/cold are reversed.

Contractor: Oh, um, I think that's with my tools here somewhere...

CrafterKat: Well, drop it off tomorrow evening, and I'll rotate the collar.

Contractor: Uh, okay...

So the contractor showed up some time the next day and put the cartridge in correctly so the hot/cold are they way they are supposed to be. I was just beginning to fume because I hadn't seen him yet in the evening, when Critter asked if I had seen his business card/note in the bathroom. I hadn't. It said "Sorry, my mistake." The little tool to remove the faucet was on top of it, too.

And that was it.

Well...




We still had to install the shower curtain rod. It's one of those super-cool, hotel-style rods that curves outward to give you more elbow room in the shower. And we found a matching green/blue curtain!



Only trouble was... we had to drill through the porcelain tile to mount the brackets.

Mr.GoGoGo and I labored for almost 4 hours to drill 4 holes. Now, granted, part of that time was running to a hardware store to get carbide-tip drill bits (because the steel ones from Home Depot wore out in like 2 seconds). And part of that time was spent resting, because we were drilling over our heads and applying even pressure to the drill, plus squirting the holes with water so the bits wouldn't overheat...

Oh yeah. The bits overheated. In fact, before we figured out we needed to the add water constantly, Mr.GoGoGo's bit heated up so much, the shaft let loose the tip. Which fell in to the tub. On top of the plastic shower curtain. Which we didn't notice until we hung up the curtain, and found something like 8, triangular-shaped holes, and a metal lump (the drill tip) encased in melted plastic.

Oops.

It is a very fine bathroom. Now we just need to pry Critter out of it every once in a while, so I can take a bath. :)

And for the grand finale

Finally, the new countertop arrived, and the countractor could finish the bathroom. It was a mad dash to the finish line, with a lot of "little" stuff towards the end:

1) Install the countertop
2) Install the glass tile backsplash around the countertop



3) Install the granite window sill (former backsplash from the countertop), and finish tiling around the window



4) Install the towel bar and grab bar for the shower



5) Put the toilet back in
6) Hang the mirrors (us)
7) Touch-up the paint



Voila! "Instant bathroom"!

Tiles and Tribulations

Our gorgeous glass tiles went in next. You can see the little spacers in this picture that kept everything straight (mostly) and even.



I went to the manufacturer's website and copied the image of each tile color. Then I created the pattern on my computer and printed it out for the contractors. We went through a couple of copies, before I got smart and put it in a plastic sleeve.



It took something like three days to do this much of the tile. Apparently the little glass tiles were a pain in the neck. As it was the contractor's idea in the first place, I didn't feel much sympathy when he complained.

The brownish stripe beside the bathtub tile was an area of fresh plaster. The contractor was trying to feather-out the edge of the porcelain tile, so we wouldn't have to install a trim (which would have looked awful!)

And you'll note that the new white tub is in!

But the countertop is not... Where, oh where is our countertop??

Turns out, we got a GREAT deal on the granite countertop because it was being discontinued. So the last remaining version in our color was shipped to us from Bellingham... And cracked on the way down. Our contractor had his supplier scouring the West Coast for a replacement. Which was found... eventually.

Thank goodness this isn't our only bathroom!

Suzie Q

The contractors listen to KGON, Portland's classic rock station. Lots of The Doors, Pink Floyd, Stones, CCR, U2 (ok, NOT so old), Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Pat Benetar... You get the idea. I had to excuse myself and go downstairs one evening when I walked in on the contractors singing Suzie Q to the radio. Too *&$# funny!

On the plus side, they got a lot of the tile work done that day.

All the way up to the window sill. The 12x12 off white porcelain tiles are glossy/smooth, and give a 5-star-hotel feel to the bathroom. The little glass shelf is a nice touch - barely useful, but pretty!

The next couple of days, the contractors focused on getting the rest of the beige tile in, leaving a space for the colorful glass tile we had purchased to use as a "belly band." I swear, do contractors just sit around making these names up??

You'll note the height of the forthcoming colored tile band. I don't want to even think of what the contractors would call this...

Pink Is the New White

Had a shock on about day 4 of the bathroom remodel...



We weren't sure what the contractor had in mind. All of the walls were suddenly pink! This was tragic! Not at all what we asked for.



And odd...



The new tub was in. (Not the drywall, yet. Needed the special backer board for tile work.) Tub is white, like we planned.



And the components for the new bathroom fan were in (and the old, nasty soffit was gone).

So what was with the pink?



Turns out, the contractor uses a tinted mud when he re-textures a room, so he knows where he has been. All of this would be painted (or cleaned off, as in the case with the sink handle and the back of the door.)


Speaking of the door... All of the doors in the house were the 70s dark brown, hollow core. The contractor suggested we could put a new wood veneer over the door to get rid of that nastiness. It was about on day 4 or so that we figured out it would be cheaper to replace the whole door, frame/jam and all. So the contractor wasn't worried about getting stuff on the door at this point - he knew we were going to replace it.


We DID decide to put a new veneer on the little 15-inch-wide pantry door that is next to the bathroom. It was the only door left in the house that was still the nasty dark brown. Now it looks like mahogony. Oooooooh, aaaaaahhh.

Demo Delight

Mmmmm, bathroom demo... Mmmmmm.


So removing the tub and drywall revealed a small problem. No, not rotten wood (although we definitely feared that). Nope, this problem is a hole at the tub drain in the subfloor that goes all the way into the soffit/low ceiling in the garage. We assume it was to provide easy access from underneath. You could go in to the garage, pop off some drywall in the low ceiling, and fix the plumbing. Kinda handy.

But with no insulation, it meant the old cast iron tub was the same temperature as the air in the garage. Brrrrr. We had this fixed.


Speaking of the tub... Here it is in all of its black iron glory. It's resting on the debris from the surrounding wall - all of the tile, mostly. I kept thinking "So glad I didn't have to haul this thing out of there..."


Ah, so nice to have this tile gone.

Up next, "Pink Is the New White".

Hook, Line and Sinker

Random Family Conversation #213


Critter: ..and so my friend Sam is getting married tomorrow!

Me (slightly confused but figuring it has to be a teenager thing): Oh? And, um, why is that?

Critter: In drama class, we're doing this scene and Sam is getting married to the hotest guy in the class. (she giggles excitedly) Omigosh, he's so hot. He's got this one kinda lazy eye and it's soooo cute! We call him 'Phonics'.

Me: Oh?

Critter (smiling): Yeah, cause we're Hooked On Phonics!

Bunny Hop

Have you ever danced the Bunny Hop? Two hops forward, one hop back, and some fancy toe tapping. That’s an apt description for selecting our fixtures for the bathroom remodel, too.

Bathtub – plain white. Cast iron with white enamel.
One hop back: Tub will take a week to arrive.
Towel bar – chrome with porcelain accents.
Vanity cabinet handles – chrome with porcelain accents.
Light fixture – went to Home Depot, didn’t like anything there.
One hop back: Went to Lowe’s, settled on chrome 4-light fixture with white shades.
Sink faucet – chrome with interchangeable porcelain or chrome handles, 4-inches on center.
One hop back: Need 8-inches on center to accommodate new granite countertop.
Shower fan – purchased 2.0 sones fan with 50 CFM (CFM? Horsepower)
One hop back: Need 0.5-1 sones with 70+ CFM
Toilet paper roll holder: burnished steel with porcelain accents.
One hop back: Need chrome with porcelain accents.
Granite countertop for vanity with white under-mount sink – GREAT deal at Home Depot. Half the cost of what we thought we’d have to spend.
One hop back: Only one countertop of the style/color we like, and it’s in Bellevue. Will take a week to arrive.
Decorative tile for backsplash and shower surround – found cool tile shop; want glass tiles.
Multiple hops back: Would take 2 weeks to special-order our tile choices; nothing in “seconds” section of store (which no one told us about until AFTER we got home); researched other glass tile retailers in area; found a hole-in-the-strip-mall distributer who could order my tile and have it in a week. SOLD!
Mirror – went to IKEA, found exact item, paid $20 and came home.

On the plus side, the tile distributor was eccentric and fun. His son works the cutting machine on the special orders. He has a new puppy, who comes to the store and hangs out. When I was checking out tile and sending JewelGeek photos on my cell, the puppy was following me around and cooling herself off on the granite slabs. They also have a store bunny. He hops around the store merrily, rolling in the dust and generally surprising the customers. JewelGeek took a picture when she went to pick up the tile…

It at least made us laugh.

April Bathroom

As with any remodel, you have in mind a timeframe for getting the job done. Our goal was to have this job completed over the month of March, with an unveiling April 1. Please pretend it is the first of April, alright?*


When figuring out what we needed and wanted in our new bathroom we decided it had to be functional first and foremost. Our first thought was this one but we nixed it because CrafterKat and I don't really wear high heels. It seemed a pre-requesite. Plus the windows would look into the back of the fridge and the microwave.



I told CrafterKat that we should really honor the concept of bringing the outdoors in. We have white peacocks that roam our neighborhood and I thought they'd be great central theme for the bathroom.

So what did we have on April 1? This beauty features a two-person jacuzzi bath and shower. A fireplace seemed an absolute necessity, so we had one of those installed, too. And a design plus? This bathroom, as opposed to my Peacock Bathroom, actually has a commode.

We toyed with the idea of installing a Korean appliance in the bathroom but I didn't think I could handle watching my father-in-law make some of these faces (especially the guy's reaction at the 24 second mark).





In the end, we spared no expense and decided that Critter didn't really need to go to college after all. Nor did she need all that bedroom space so we reconfigured the bathroom to be in her old bedroom. We think she could easily roll out a sleeping bag on the tile floor.


* In other words, April Fools. We will get new photos up of the real bathroom soon!

When Life Hands You Avocados…

I recently had one of the most hilarious discussions with a colleague about the housing fashions of the 1970s. She grew up in a home with red shag carpeting in the livingroom and three “classic colors” bathrooms (powder blue, avocado, and beige). In the early 80s, her mom redecorated the livingroom – yup, mauve and light blue. Yikes!

Our home is a mid-70s split-level. When we moved in, it still had the lovely amber sidelight windows at the front door, an amber glass globe chandelier in the foyer, and architectural “details” such as arches and rod-iron decorative grill work. It even had the ORIGINAL avocado green electric stove/oven in the kitchen. “The horror! The horror!”

We’ve been updating/remodeling almost non-stop for the last several years. JewelGeek and I have similar tastes (thank goodness), and the temperaments to live with chaos for a while, knowing that it WILL end and a better thing will come of it. A few years ago, we remodeled the kitchen. That same year, Mr. GoGoGo and I remodeled the downstairs bathroom over a weekend. This last month, we tackled the main bathroom. Why? Well, when Critter came out with a piece of green enamel from the bathtub and asked if it was supposed to do that, we knew it was time.

So, here is our Guacamole Bathroom, pre-remodel. Absorb.

Notice the iron peeking through the avocado enamel.

The lovely, green and orange “veined marble” laminate on the vanity.

The white with gold-vein 4x4 tile surround above the avocado tub.

The mysterious floating soffit in the ceiling above the halfwall. (We assume there was rod-iron grill work in here at one point, too, to match the other stuff in the house.) The drywall damage in the ceiling is from a roof leak we hadn’t noticed. And the all-important globe lighting on oh-so-classy brass chains ties the whole 70s theme together.

Feel our pain. And prepare to be amazed…