I Can Rite Teh Blog!

i knoe! iz been monthz since teh humanz has ritten anythin on dis siet. iz not 4 lack ov tryin on mah part. i haz been rubbin up aganst thur legs, sittin in frunt ov teh computr screen, an tryin 2 stare them down. sadlee, teh humanz tend 2 finkz dis meanz i wants tuna. or milk. an sometimez i let them bleev dat, cuz, hay, im not goin 2 turn down an offr liek dat.

but, rly, enuf iz enuf. i knoe u loyal reederz has been wonderin wut they haz been up 2, an, moar importantly how im. cuz u all knoe im teh prettiest feline they haz. an far moar intelligent than all teh bois in dis houz rolld togethr. i smell mutch bettr than them, 2--has u seen teh disgustin tings they rolz in?

dis summr seemd 2 be rly busy tiem 4 da humanz, especially teh hooman wif teh curly hair. she lockd us up in wan ov teh rooms 4 full dai 4 no reason jus cuz she had birfdai or somethin. i knoe! it wuz not fair 2 lock me away frum evryone--i knoe they wuz wantin 2 c me! an rumer haz it thar wuz homemade ice creem--nom!--an lawts ov pplz in funny hatz liek wut puss wore in dat shrek movee. they talkd funny 4 da dai--all yo ho ho liek they wuz santa claws or somethin. but it wuz 2 warm 4 santa. i meen, liek "doan-touch-teh-fur-or-els" hawt.

the funniest part of the hole sumr waz wen interloper cat left teh houz for a few hourz and came back all shaved. he tried 2 strut wut waz left of hiz stuf but it jus made me spit up hairbalz each time i sawz him. teh humanz rly like it tho so who im to arguez? jus az long az they doan do it 2 me!

at teh end ov teh summr, teh humanz left us 4 weekz an weekz (wait, mah cuzin teh lil man sez it wuz only few dais, 4 tops) 4 da beach. they went 2 teh aquareeum an didnt even brin bak fish 4 us! so selfish! all they brot bak 4 us starvin kittehs wuz sum empty shoppin bags. no tuna! no milk! wut kind ov vacashun present iz dat?

side nowt... interlopr kat jus interuptd me. hez makin all sorts ov noize. iz jus piteebul. i jus stare at him an he moanz an whinez. 2 funny, i tell u! i swear he wuz not worshippd as deeatee in past life. im thinkin he wuz box ov nails b4 or somethin.

when teh humanz got bak frum teh vacashun, teh gurl began skool again. she leavez me evry dai 2 go an study or somethin. wan dai she wuz rly happeh cuz she got her licens. but i doan bleev her cuz she doan wear it around her neck liek we do.

latr on thar wuz bunch ov cryin an teh humanz kept sayin dat teh wite metal ting in da garage wuz ded. when i lookd in da garage, all i saw wuz wan ov dose hooj metal tings wuz kind ov crunchd up on wan side. it didnt smell ded 2 me jus oilee.

next ting i knoe, teh crunchy metal box iz gone an teh garage iz left open 4 me 2 roll arond on. im tellin u, thaz teh best place evr 2 pulay "katch me, im free!" teh next best place iz outside teh houz wer teh humanz nevr let me go. an rly, they shud. cuz thar r thees hooj wite birdz dat come 2 teh houz all teh tiem an they rly shudnt cuz iz r houz, u knoe?

teh stoopid orang interlopr kat gets 2 go outsid whenevr he wants. iz not fair. hez all fur an no branz. u wantz 2 knoe seekret? when he furst came her he wuz so stoopid--didnt knoe wer teh dor wuz. hed go into teh bafroom, jump into teh tub, an scratch teh wall liek he shud be let oot or somethin. stoopid. evryone knows teh baftub iz jus anothr littr box. wif shampoo smelz.

teh othr interlopr kat? teh stripd boi? he jus sleepz in da gurls room an sits in da windowz. hez got window rite by teh gras an he cant even scare away teh wite birdz. rly, wut purpose doez he serve? i, at least, iz her 4 da humanz--they ned 2 pet pritee kats all teh tiem. thaz mah job. 2 fill dat basic hooman ned. an 2 eat their tuna.

sigh. mah cousin sez dat im rantin an shud git bak 2 teh blog ting.

wer wuz i? christmas, i finkz. teh curly hooman had her pplz heer an they all eatd lawts ov gud fud (nom nom nom!) an gaev us kats lawts ov crinkly papr 2 sit on. it wuz rly gud christmas. lawts ov tasty things on teh hooj green tree (which duzint smell liek tree but it sure lookz liek wan). teh lil man wuz kind ov mad at teh humanz, though, cuz they put all teh kitteh toyz on rly tight an wud yell at us when any ov us trid 2 chew wan off ov teh tree. even old fuzzy slug.

fuzzy slug didnt do dat 2 mutch, tho. she spent mos ov teh tiem lyin in box dat smelld liek rly gud chinees fud, an soakin up teh heat frum teh fireplace. doan tell anywan, but we kats r havin seekret meetin next week 2 figyur out how 2 turn on dat fire. it involvez dis blak box dat teh humanz use. they jus point it at teh square in da wall an flamez shoot up an we git nice an toasty.

hay, we ned 2 stay warm, u knoe. cuz sometimez it gets all wite outside. not liek last yer when teh skoolz closd an all teh humanz had 2 stay home all dai an hold us (ya!) but it doez happen. teh othr hooman, teh wan hoo bakez, it took her 5 hourz 2 driv home rite aftr christmas. she made it home all in wan peece. we all trid 2 sit on her at woncz 2 show her we wuz worrid bout her.

teh next dai she came home frum werk early an when i snuck into teh garage 4 gud roll, teh metal box dat livez on teh far side wuz all crunchd up behind teh bak rubbr weel. dis made evryone cry sum moar. i didnt smelz oily stuff liek teh last wan but frum teh wai evryone actd, i cud tell it wuz ded 2.

so wut did they do? all 3 ov teh humanz left us. agan! weekz an weekz went by--an teh lil man will confirm dis cuz he got lockd in difrent room frum me--an i thot they wud nevr return. teh only gud ting bout teh whole tiem wuz dat i got teh choice window spotz whenevr i wantd them. but no fire. an no tuna eithr.

when they finly came hom they brot new metal box wif them. iz all black an vry tall an smells liek shampoo. but not gud shampoo liek wut teh humanz use. i luv shampoo. fuzzy slug has ting 4 shoez. me? shampoo. cant git enuf ov it. teh lil man sez i nedz 2 c consler or somethin 4 mah shampoo obseshun.

anyways, i finkz thaz all teh stuff uve ben misin. if i finkz ov somethin els ill try 2 let u knoe, especlee if it involvez mah pritee self!

~teh southern belle

p.s. i knoe dat humanz call me doofie sometimez. i finkz iz cuz they doan knoe how 2 spell mah naym rite. fuzzy slug sez dat teh interlopr kats call me teh wickd witch ov teh south. im k wid dat, 2.

Where the Boys Are

Dear Humans Who Keep the Food Bowl Full:
In case you're wondering why the TV is warm (but turned off) when you get home, I caught King James with the TV remote and a bottle of the foaming liquid you sometimes imbibe. This time, I had the presence of mind to use your camera that you left on the computer desk. (Thanks for leaving the computer on, by the way. The CPU makes a lovely warm spot on the desk top from the heat trapped in the cubby.)



If you really want to punish the bugger, might I suggest you banish him from your bedroom? Indefinitely?

Sincerely,
Your Beloved Fuzzy Slug

The morning after

The morning after the snake proposal, Critter and I were alone in the livingroom. No one else was up, yet. She looked at me, I looked away, and started cleaning the kitchen.

“You know we’re going to say ‘no,’ right?” I said softly.

“Yeah,” she replied equally softly. “Why?”

I thought a moment. A million rational reasons went through my head, as they had the night before when Critter made her dissertation on Why We Should Host the Science Snake for the Summer. Like who was going to clean the mice cage? Who would clean the snake cage? What would we do with the animals while we were on vacations? How could we keep the cats away from the mice and snake? What about the smell?

And even as I formulated my oh-so-logical and completely-calm-and-rational arguments against the proposal, I knew I wouldn’t say any of them. What I DID say was:

“I could sit here and give you a whole list of rational reasons why we can’t have the snake over the summer, but there’s really only one reason that matters: JewelGeek and I don’t like snakes, and we won’t have one in our house.”

“But,” Critter began weakly.

“It’s not a situation you’re going to be able to change, Sweetie,” I said seriously. “We simply don’t like snakes. It’s not rational, but it’s real.”

Critter closed her mouth and nodded. “Okay.” She didn’t even argue. And when JewelGeek got up, Critter didn’t say a word or bring up the snake again. It's not like her to stop fighting, especially if she knows we don't want any part of it. This time, she let us win.

What a great Mother's Day present.

Mother's Day Jasmine

CrafterKat and I had a lovely Mother’s Day Weekend, complete with good food, shoe shopping, and the arrival of a new compound miter saw thingy.

Saturday afternoon Critter had us sit in the living room and close our eyes. When we were told to open them, she stood with paper in hand, partially blocking two vases of spring flowers. I smiled at her thoughtfulness. And she read:

As you may already know, Mizz K. has a snake named Jasmine. Her roommate doesn’t particularly care for snakes and she doesn’t know what to do with jasmine over the summer. Now I know what you’re thinking, “she’s going to ask if she can bring it home for the summer,” and you’re correct!

Having this privilege will give me more responsibility and respect for other people’s property. As well as help me keep my room cleaner!

Some downers about this thought is the fact that JewelGeek may not really like this idea and I can totally see that. Also we will have to have live mice in the house which is another thing for the cats to try to get at. And when I’m gone camping and on vacation with you guys I’ll worry and fret about her and carry on and we possibly may not have a good time.

But please remember I have a friend who lives just up the street and loves reptiles!!!! Cheri knows her way around the house and how to get into the house too!

Now about the food for Jasmine, Mizz K. said she would provide the money for live mice. I can keep them in a well secured cage so they will never be able to get out and we will never smell them because I can clean mouse and rat cages ever so quickly.

So now I hope I have persuaded you to let me take care of Mizz K.’s snake over the summer. Thank you for your time and ears. Any questions I can answer???

Yes. Just one.

Aaaaaaaakkkkkk! Snaaaaaaakkeeeee???!!!!!

When Fortune Calls, Offer Her A Chair

We have a slight problem.

After our kitchen remodel was completed last fall, we decided to get some new furniture. Our minds were made up as to the style and comfort level we desired. A couch that could easily sit three people and be long enough to sleep on should we find the need to check our "eyeballs for leaks." And a comfortable, stylish chair in a different fabric to compliment the new kitchen walls and anchor the room.

We searched several stores for the perfect combination that fit our new style and our pocketbook. At last we found a soft leather couch that had an extension on one end where you could stretch out lazily or seat a fourth person of the teenage variety. “Wait,” said the sales clerk. “Watch this.” And he swapped out the extension with the matching end chair, turning the L-shaped couch into a simple three-person sofa; the chair suddenly transformed into a lush fainting couch.

We were sold and bought the couch and side chair immediately.

The complimentary chair took a bit more searching. We had tried several from a modern, round-backed leather chair that swiveled 360 degrees (the Captain Kirk chair I called it which shot down any hope of it living in our home), to chairs that sucked you down into their fluffy cushions and wouldn’t let you out without a crowbar.

This second chair needed to be stylish, simple, and firm. And yet comfortable enough that you could sit in it all afternoon. And we found one. We covered it in soft suede that matched our pirate red wall in the kitchen. Perfect.

And LaLa would agree, I think. At most every visit, this chair is the seat she claims in the living room. It’s perfect for completing crossword puzzles, sewing embroidered cards or pillowcases, and typing up journals from the 1970’s into her laptop. When LaLa enters the room, we vacate The Chair. It’s just common sense.

But now we have a small problem.

Pretty Boy looks good on red.


And he’s not giving up The Chair without a struggle snuggle.

Meet The Boys!

We've made room in our hearts for two new cats (it wasn't hard, they are quite lovey!). Say hello to Pretty Boy and Old Boy.*

In the words of their previous owner, CrafterKat's friend, "Pretty Boy is 7, he’s the cute but kind of dumb one. He spends his time sleeping, sleeping outside, eating, eating outside, not cleaning himself, and his absolute favorite receiving attention from anyone who will give it to him. He has perfected his head butt move, which he says works every time when trying to convince someone to snuggle with him."

"Old Boy is 9, he is the smart one of the two. His favorite past times include lying in large patches of sunlight, staring at me from across the room, cleaning himself (extensively) and scratching on his cardboard scratch-thingy. He’s not really into the whole Outside scene, but has been known to check it out on occasion. Historically he has had a bit of a ‘problem’ with catnip, but with diligence (and careful hiding of his stash) we’ve been able to moderate his use."

The past two days we have heard some pretty, er, eloquent conversations between The Boys and their new siblings. We're still in the Getting To Know You phase. Old Boy has come out from the guest bed downstairs. He's now under our bed upstairs. Small steps. Pretty Boy is making himself at home and can often be found sitting in the living room window or watching the back patio (see photo above).

*Note: Blog names may change as we discover their personalities.

House Of Cards

It’s been just over a week since we have had computer access at home. And quite a bit has changed in our Rose City castle. We left for Eugene the Wednesday before Thanksgiving for lots of good food, stories, more good food, and card games.

A typical Thanksgiving conversation at Mr. GoGoGo’s house:

Critter: (perusing her cribbage cards) I need help with this hand.
CrafterKat: You can figure it out on your own. That’s how you learn.
Critter: But I don’t know what to put into the kitty. Grandpaaaaaa!
JewelGeek: Sweetie, try and figure it out yourself.
Critter: Arrrrgggggghhhh!
CrafterKat and JewelGeek: One Eyed Pete! *

We ate far too much turkey, raved about the seafood The Captain brought up from Gold Beach, and helped (?) Chef Flip Flop prep for his cooking test on sauces. Cooking school is serious stuff—he had over 50 sauces to learn that weekend. “My teacher is going to give me a meat and say, ‘Cook this pork with a such-and-such sauce. You have to use this starch for the base and you have one hour and ten minutes. Go!’” No pressure…

Our food bliss ended Saturday with one final leftovers lunch. CrafterKat had a friend from the Seattle area stop by on their way home. She and her husband had been with vegetarian in-laws, dining on tofu turkey and nut stuffing. Their Thanksgiving dinnercan be summed up thusly: “No meat should squeak in your mouth.”

The rest of the weekend was spent preparing the house for the carpet installation on Thursday. Which meant we had to move everything back into the kitchen, an interesting jigsaw puzzle.















But a puzzle which The Little Man enjoyed immensely. The ceiling fan is soooo much easier to play with when you can stand on the television!



* The name we have given Critter's Pirate Cow

Kitty Play Structures Also Known As 'Cabinets'

Yesterday we came home to find a few of our base cabinets moved into position. We let the kitties out to explore.





















Then The Little Man figured out this mathematical equation:

Contractor's Spool of Orange Yarn Used for Leveling

+ Corner Cupboard with Hole

= 30 Minutes of Fun Watching JewelGeek Retrieve Said Spool

I never knew Bar-B-Que tongs could come in so handy...

Today the cabinets are in their permanent places but not tightened into place. Monday the contractor who puts in the mocha countertop will come in to measure the cabinets and build his template. The room has less echoes now and is looking more like our dream kitchen.

From the Middle of a Great Big Empty

This week we are finally having the asbestos-laden popcorn ceiling in our living room and dining room removed. This is the pre-cursor step to having some remodeling done in the house. CrafterKat has received bids for replacing the gas fireplace (with one that actually works!) and a new deck on the back porch (where people won’t fall through!).

We’ve spent the week removing bits and pieces from the living room and even after taking two loads to the Salvation Army, it was hard to see a dent. Fortunately, we had help from CrafterKat’s father, Mr. GoGoGo, and her brother, the Renaissance Man, to move the larger furniture pieces and the BBQ from the back porch.

Our two main bedrooms are now full with furniture, knickknacks, papers to be filed, books, DVD’s, and assorted kitty toys. The cats are having a field day. King James has rediscovered his teal mouse and an extra long twist tie. Doofie enjoys perching on the sofa which we upended by the linen closet.

CrafterKat and I throw MASH quotes at each other—our living room now echoes like Colonel Blake’s office in “Crisis” after the 4077 burns everything in site, including the CO’s desk, to keep warm.

Asbestos removal is Tuesday and Wednesday; we head to the coast on Friday night to relax. We found some house rentals in Bella Beach with rates comparable to a nice room in a hotel. Critter is bringing a girlfriend from up the street. CrafterKat and I are bringing DVD’s and a hearty appetite. After all, we will be minutes away from clam chowder, caramel corn, and those little raspberry and blackberry candies I adore.

Here’s hoping your President’s Weekend is enjoyable, too!

His Royal Majesty and The Eclectic Slide

CrafterKat e-mailed me a Friendship Thingy—a basic questionnaire you fill out and forward to your friends asking them to answer likewise. Questions like the name of the last movie you saw (Brokeback Mountain), favorite TV shows (Navy NCIS, Stargate, Extreme Home Makeover), and favorite foods (pumpkin pancakes). One question got me thinking, though: What one thing made you smile today?

I answered and sent my response back to CrafterKat as well as to some of our other friends. But there was actually more than one answer to this question.

Last weekend when Critter picked up His Royal Majesty King James, she discovered a quarter size hard lump on his belly. The vet had just sent a notice that he was due for his four-hour check-up. I called the office on Sunday but they had no more openings for the day. After his ritual weighing (14.5 pounds!), the doctor tugged on King James to get him out of the carrier. “He’s gotten quite heavy!”

I nodded. “Thank you, Steroids.” King James had given us a shock last year when his immune system shut down. We forced steroids into him every day for close to four months to jump start his year-old immune system.

The doctor took a look at the mass. “It’s close to his mammary gland. We could excise it quickly and have it removed. Shouldn’t be a problem.”

The rest of the day I worried until I was able to pick him up that afternoon. King James looked at me with glazed eyes and mewed, wanting to go home. Turns out it was just a lump of hard fat tissue. Critter told me this evening that even though they removed the mass it still didn’t seem to affect his weight.

So, smiles for King James who has been attacking pillow tassels, watching the water go down the kitchen sink, and attempting to overthrow the reigning Queen by sleeping on our bed.

Last night, however, provided another smile. Critter has been preparing for a dance this week, a Cowboy themed event at her school. Just before bed, dressed in her gym t-shirt and neon Mickey Mouse pajama shorts she demonstrated the dance they were to perform.

She stepped around the Christmas decorations we are still putting away and began. “Heel, heel, toe, toe,” She placed one foot forward twice and then back to her side. “Leather,” she tapped her imaginary cowboy boot, “turn, step.” She lost her balance and began again. “Heel, heel, toe, toe, Leather, step, turn” wobble, wobble, “and then the Eclectic Slide.”

“The what?” I asked.

“The Electric Slide. But I can’t do it very well.” She stepped to her left, crossed over her front foot, clapped and repeated.

I grinned and continued to watch the dance. I guess I misheard her…